Sexual Health and Consent: Cheating and Infidelity

A while back, we had a WhatsApp flash chat in which Jane answered various questions on sexual health and consent. Jane is a family therapist as well as a clinical counsellor who supports people and families in building and nurturing relationships, marriages and families. In this article, we look at how to tackle cheating and infidelity, which are questions asked in the group

What’s your advice on what men who know they’re guilty of sexual misconduct do especially in marriages?

If there is an issue of sexual misconduct, you need to confront him and understand why. If there is anyone who is engaging in extramarital affairs its not your fault but his decision. let him know how you feel like its breaking trust. Was it a one night stand or ongoing misconduct? Is he remorseful or does he lie and goes back to it? Are you willing to forgive him if he’s willing to stop and rebuild the trust that is already broken? How is this affecting you? Are you both willing to seek help? You have to make a choice whether to live with an adulterous man or seek help and solve the problem or walk away.

My husband sleeps out a lot. He is very responsible when it comes to taking care of his kids. He is home early, takes dinner with the kids, does homework with them, then at 10.00 pm, he leaves for the other woman’s house. Then he ensures he comes home before the kids wake up. I feel denied conjugal rights since he only sleeps with me once in a while. What do I do? He provides financially, he has even bought me a car but this cheating is killing me. I have tried to leave, but I leave like for a week.  He can’t even allow me to leave with my kids. I don’t have a job since he provides everything. If I leave what happens to my kids? I don’t want them to grow up without me. Plus I can’t afford the kind of life the dad has given us.

How long has he been cheating? When you first noticed the cheating what did you do?

Why do you want to address it now? Are you financially independent and does he support you 100%? It shows that financial support and his relationship with your kids is what is making you stay. Are you willing to give up your owner inner satisfaction at the expense of a good car, finances and relationship with kids? In your husband’s life, you come last so do you want to continue being the last option or this is something you would like to confront. Why didn’t you confront this earlier? The fact that he can do it continuously shows that she has not addressed it.

Are you stuck with him because you don’t have a job? Can you empower yourself and find ways to earn money to support your family? The more you rely on him the more you will need him for your existence. When you say you can’t afford the life he gives you, could you try living a different life that you are comfortable with without relying on him for support?

I have a friend. Whose been seeing a married guy. Been telling her to stop dating him but she doesn’t listen. She found out today she’s pregnant and she wants to remove it. It’s breaking my heart just thinking of taking the life of a child. She also doesn’t want to tell him because he’s going to insist she keeps it. I don’t support their relationship. Never have. But I more than anything don’t support abortion. What do I do? It’s gotten me so upset just thinking about it. I would do anything for her to not go through with the abortion.

You have to know there are things you can control and things you can’t control. You advised your friend not to date him but she did. You have to understand you can’t control people’s choices and they may have to deal with their consequences. Getting upset makes you look like a victim but they will face these consequences themselves. If you have done your part and they don’t want to listen then you have to let it unfold the way it’s supposed to. Maybe when they come back to their senses she will realize you were being supportive. Allow her to be.

Abuse is not only physical but also emotional and psychological. Any kind of abuse leaves the abused in a state of confusion, depression, doubts and many other effects due to trauma. If you are going through abuse or you know a person going through abuse, the Gender-Based Violence-free hotline is 1195. Furthermore, if you would like to join a community of women healing from abuse, WhatsApp +254736275978.

You may also like: Healthy Relationships: Rebuilding a Marriage After Infidelity

Sexual Violence and Consent: Rape in Marriages

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