Sexual Health and Consent: Communication and Emotional Abuse

Last week, we had a WhatsApp flash chat in which Jane answered various questions on sexual health and consent. Jane is a family therapist as well as a clinical counsellor who supports people and families in building and nurturing relationships, marriages and families. In this article, we look at communication, emotional abuse and basics of a happy marriage, which are questions asked in the group.

How do you deal with a man who refuses to communicate and gives you the silent treatment for 2 weeks?

Have you ever talked to him about it? What did he say? If he says he’s ok, do you stop there? Under what circumstances does he go mute? When money is tight? He is having issues at work? He is late to come home and doesn’t want to be questioned? Who breaks the silence after he’s quiet for those weeks? How do you proceed after that? Like nothing ever happened? Is the issue only this or there’s more? Answering these questions may help me answer this question better. There has to be something that makes him go quiet that he is not sharing.

Since I don’t know the context of your relationship, I would say you assure him of your love first. Then let him know how being quiet for such a duration makes you feel. This is a form of ghosting. A primitive way of hiding and avoiding issues that need to be discussed even if they are uncomfortable. It’s a way of escaping or manipulating you and it is wrong. Communicate clearly to him and let him know you don’t appreciate it.

I recently got the courage to walk out of a 10 year emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissist. I’m happy and content with my life away from this person. I have so so much peace. The problem is that he won’t stop texting me regarding how much he wants us back. He claims to have seen how much of damage he’s done over the years and he’s apologetic and very remorseful. Should I forgive him for my son’s sake who I never wanted to grow up without a father figure in the first place? After years of refusing to go for counselling and even lying to me at some point that he was attending counselling, he now wants to seek marriage counselling.

If she is open to bringing him back to her life then seeking marriage counselling is a good idea before she goes back to the marriage and at the end of the day it boils down to whether she wants to go back or not. If she wants to go back for her son she needs to counselling to understand the emotional damage this may cause her son later or the man might have actually changed and he is willing to make it better. So counselling may help both of them, if she notices however that he is going back to his old ways then she should move on but if she truly believes he has changed then its worth giving that 2nd chance. People change and grow. But this is a discussion they must have before moving in together.   also important for the woman to work on herself and rebuild herself after the 10-year emotional abuse. She has to heal first as every little thing he does might trigger the past

What do you do when you truly hate your partner and his family? The man has conned the wife, gossiped the wife with the family, there is a history of physical and financial abuse. The wife is no longer interested or loathes him, what does she do?

We get to choose whether to accept the way a man treats us, it’s a choice we have to make at the end of the day. The wife needs to confront the husband and express her dissatisfaction with the gossiping, abuse etc. She gets to choose how her husband treats her because it seems he gets away with it. As a woman, you need to find ways to protect yourself because there is physical abuse. Are you willing to be in an abusive marriage or are you going to do something about it? Have you confronted him and what was his response? What keeps you in this marriage? Are you both willing to seek counselling and get help? If your husband isn’t willing to get counselling to get it for yourself. Most marriages don’t die by fire, they die a slow death.

What are the basics to live in a happy marriage?

Define a happy marriage for yourself not what society defines for you. 

• Compromise
• Respect
• Trust
• Communication

At the end of the day, it’s what works for both of you. Get to know what works for the two of you

Abuse is not only physical but also emotional and psychological. Any kind of abuse leaves the abused in a state of confusion, depression, doubts and many other effects due to trauma. If you are going through abuse or you know a person going through abuse, the Gender-Based Violence-free hotline is 1195. Furthermore, if you would like to join a community of women healing from abuse, WhatsApp +254736275978.

You may also like: Healthy Relationships: Handling Emotional Abuse

Healthy Relationships: Rebuilding a Marriage After Infidelity

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