Ask Valentine: Kids & Sex Part 5-Addressing Pornography

Valentine Njoroge

Having written about and studied sex and sexuality for the last 10 years, Valentine is convinced that a yummy sex life is within reach and it all starts with you the individual and how you prioritize pleasure. She is here to answer your questions as you create the sex life you dream of so askvalentine@dada.co.ke .  Also check out her online platform, dada.co.ke

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This is the final part in the Ask Valentine  Kids & Sex series that psychologist Pascal Mwita and I have been writing.

We have incorporated your questions into our answers in part 1, part 2, part 3 and part 4.

Today we look at pornography and the emotional aspect of sex.

Ask Valentine

 

Pornography

Some parents have found their children looking at pornographic videos and pictures, or they have found the material in their kids’ rooms.  I won’t suggest that you do not panic, you will.  It is disturbing to think that this is the type of sex your child might want to have.  However, before you go down that rabbit hole, understand that your child is curious and porn is not that hard to find.  Does your child have a phone or access to one?  Then they can find and watch porn.  It is great that the internet is getting cheaper and more accessible but that means pornography is also cheaper and easier to access.

This is not the time to come down hard on your child. This is the time to acknowledge your own feelings about porn. Are you confused about it?  I am. I hate the misogynistic treatment of women in pornographic movies; at the same time I recognise that porn can be entertaining and educational.

 

Ask Valentine

 

There is a violent aspect to the expression of male sexuality and, conversely a submissive aspect to female sexuality. Pornographic material explores and exploits this.

As an adult you understand that these aspects exist and have their place. Some of the key markers of individual civilisation are the taming of this violence in men and the development of assertiveness and autonomy in women. We fear that exposure to porn with all its glamour, airbrushing and brightly lit pleasure at an early age can undo our children’s civilisation.

Just talk to them. Find out how their peers are watching porn. Ask how they feel about it and let them know that the expression of human sexuality can be overwhelming, violent and sometimes really ugly.

 

Emotions & Sex

 

Ask Valentine, Teens

 

As a parent you might feel like you just wrapped your head around the emotions that come with sex, last month… and now you have to teach.  We are always struggling to deal with our emotions and we call management on them ‘maturity’.

Your child is not there yet, let them know this and ask them to be compassionate with themselves.  The sexual terrain is rife with emotional upheaval – rejection, conditional acceptance [boys only date girls who do/wear…; girls only date boys with money etc], jealousy, vulnerability.

Your teenage son’s peers will be egging him on to try new things with girls – touch breasts, kiss a girl and have sex. He will want to because it feels good and he wants to be accepted by his peers.

Your daughter will do it because it is supposed to feel good, and it may, but she will want the acceptance of the boy she chooses.

Ultimately, boys and girls are looking for love and acceptance and they will be more vulnerable to peer pressure if they do not have these things at home.  Spending time with them, and allowing them to design that time will help.

At the same time do not let your kids get into adult situations. Expect them to make decisions that even adults have a hard time making.

Your child should not be sitting on a bed with a member of the opposite sex, regardless of the time of day.  I see idle teenagers wandering through malls on Saturday afternoons and I just know there is virginity being lost in these parking lots.  Plan your children’s time, force them into peer activities like the church choir, drama club, music lessons etc. They will thank you later.

 

This is a lot but, hey nobody said parenting was easy. If you have any questions please email me valentine@dada.co.ke

 

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