Ask Valentine – Are you having painful sex?

Valentine Njoroge

Having written about and studied sex and sexuality for the last 10 years, Valentine is convinced that a yummy sex life is within reach and it all starts with you the individual and how you prioritize pleasure. She is here to answer your questions as you create the sex life you dream of so askvalentine@dada.co.ke .  Also check out her online platform, dada.co.ke

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Are you having painful sex? Ask Valentine this week tackles this daunting question.

Hi Valentine, I have a very troubling issue. First I have a large labia minora and whenever I have sex, I feel pain. What could that mean? Is there a connection between the two?

Painful sex

Honey, I wish you had told me more about the type of pain you are experiencing and the actual sensation of it.  There is a difference between too much pressure, like if your partner thrusts too hard and hits the end of our vagina (cervix); then there is a sharp pain which might result from the same thing…

You could also be experiencing a dull ache at the entrance of your vagina due to too much friction from sex without enough lubrication. Because you mentioned your labia minora, I will assume that this is the kind of pain that you are talking about.

I will then recommend that you and your partner have sex to some Luo/Rhumba music.  You cannot have intercourse until you get to the third song. Each last about 12 minutes each. While the songs are playing your man is to take a tour of your erogenous zones.

Not the ones that you cover in underwear, but the less common ones – hands, legs, stomach, back, neck and ears, back of knees and your feet.  He is to take this tour very creatively with his hands, lips, tongue and perhaps teeth.  Massaging, tickling, kissing, sucking, licking, nibbling, biting… if you enjoy it, he should do it.

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Your job is to live there and let the pleasure wash over you.

The point of good foreplay is to not only get both of you in sexual and pleasurable sync, but also to prepare your body.  An unaroused vagina is about 3 inches in length. Once you are aroused, it stretches in length, opens like a flower and lubricates in anticipation of intercourse.

If you are in your 40s, you might be peri-menopausal, which is the time when your body winds down its reproductive life. Vaginal dryness is a common occurrence at this time and you might find that despite being aroused, you are not lubricated enough. In that case consider buying some water based lubricant like KY jelly.

It must be truly awful and frightening to think that you cannot enjoy one of life’s greatest pleasures; but trust me you can.  With a few adjustments and a gentle attitude towards yourself, we will solve this.  Let me know if this works for you and if not, we can try a few other things.

 

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  1. tamulamu says:

    I’m officially joining the Valentine fan club!! This part is just too brilliant — ati — “I will then recommend that you and your partner have sex to some Luo/Rhumba music. You cannot have intercourse until you get to the third song. Each last about 12 minutes each. While the songs are playing your man is to take a tour of your erogenous zones.” – love this practical suggestion!

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