Healthy Relationships: Rebuilding a Marriage After Infidelity

Last week, we had a Family Therapists/Clinical Counsellor speak to our Villagers about healthy relationships. The therapist, Jane Kuria answered some of the questions, offered expert advice on various topics and got to shed light on some of the issues that were raised in the WhatsApp chat. We are going to share the pieces of advice in a series of articles. In this article, we share tips on how to rebuild a marriage after infidelity.

The Spouse Who Cheated

1. The spouse who cheated MUST be willing to work on the marriage. Understand it’s not easy to restore the broken trust but it’s very doable.
2. The fact that the spouse who cheated doesn’t cheat anymore doesn’t mean trust will be restored automatically or immediately. It takes time.
3. The person who cheated has to be brutally honest on what happened and leave no room for speculation. If there were needs that the other spouse wasn’t meeting, let them say it. This doesn’t excuse their behaviour. Cheating doesn’t solve marital issues. They need to speak up and engage the other.
4. It’s their job to let the other person know their whereabouts without being pestered or followed along. Volunteer information and assure the other person that you’re trying to make amends.
5. The spouse who cheated needs to create a safe place for the other spouse to express their feelings. They need to AFFIRM them and assure them of their love. They need to be PRESENT and give them the attention they need as they heal. They need to show APPRECIATION for the chance they’ve been given to restore the marriage.
6. There are marriages that have become stronger after overcoming the infidelity ordeal. Celebrate the closeness and embrace the lessons learned.
7. One day at a time

The Innocent Spouse

1. The innocent spouse MUST be willing to work on the marriage. Understand it’s not easy to restore the broken trust but it’s very doable.
2. Do not blame yourself. Do not think there’s something wrong with you. It was a choice they made.
3. For the innocent spouse, do not use the cheating incident to humiliate the spouse who cheated. Bringing up the past only perpetuates the issue and makes it hard for both of you to heal. Don’t ruminate.
4. Some days will feel better than others and that’s ok. You’ll think you’ve moved on and then find yourself thinking about the cheating all over again. You will sail through. Discuss this with your spouse.
5. There are marriages that have become stronger after overcoming the infidelity ordeal. Celebrate the closeness and embrace the lessons learned.
6. One day at a time.

It’s not easy to overcome infidelity in a relationship or a marriage. It takes time to rebuild trust, respect and mutual understanding in any relationship after infidelity. However, with counselling, a couple can emerge stronger after infidelity if they are willing to work things through. It takes time. Seek help and take it a day at a time. Furthermore, if you are going through abuse or you know a person going through abuse, the Gender-Based Violence-free hotline is 1195. If you would like to join a community of women healing from abuse, WhatsApp +254736275978.

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Can your Relationship Survive after Cheating?

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