Family Violence: Emotional Abuse and Emotional Trauma

Last week, we had a WhatsApp Flash Chat in which Nyokabi Kamau answered questions on family violence. Nyokabi is a relationship coach who trains and empowers people with respects to relationships and family in order to achieve the desired outcomes in relationships.

What is the best way to love someone who has trauma from various violent acts in their childhood, perpetuated by their parents?

The best way is to go on a wellness journey, to help them and yourself deal with the past. 

A wellness journey is a journey is a tour of your life, drawing a life map, looking back into the most important events of your life, what happened at what stage, what changes did it causes, how do you feel, it’s a walk back into your past, present and future of yourself, it’s looking for a vision and mission statement of your life.

A wellness journey is the ongoing process of looking for the tools that make us healthier and happier—and discovering our own effective ways of using those tools for sustained learning, development and personal growth.

Walk with the person, when you ask them how they’re doing be ready to sit and listen, really want to know they’re doing. By letting them tell you how they’re doing,  they will come up with solutions to the challenges they’re facing. Yours is to support  through listening and allow them to process what’s happening to them.

How do you get over growing up in an abusive home where your parents fought daily and now you feel like you have to leave every relationship before it gets violent?

If you have been in an abusive environment it’s normal to feel scared but it’s also good to trust your instincts when it comes to such things 

• Accept that it happened
• Talk to someone about it 
• Go through a healing, progress by taking a wellness programs.

When talking about family violence? Is it just physical or does emotional abuse count as family violence?

Yes emotional abuse counts as violence, because it violates your whole being and interferes with the mind. It’s also abuse and it’s more powerful than physical abuse, because physical abuse can be seen and treated but emotional is internal, you can’t see it so it’s harder to identify and treat.

How do you deal with a guy who will never apologize for mistakes and he’s never ready to explain anything to you. Anytime there’s an issue,he won’t explain and will go silent for 2 weeks?

The first thing to know about this kind of a person is that, they believe that they are good and want to be good, in fact they can’t see how is it that they are not good, so with this kind of a person, you first find out the background, mostly you will find that growing up , they were accused of falsely more times than they can count.

The best way to approach is not to accuse or point fingers but express a concern without sounding like you are blaming them in any way that way you should get a better response.

For example: I feel like I haven’t been heard 

Or 

I would prefer if you come home a little earlier once in a while.

How do you deal with a partner who went through family violence while growing up to the point when there’s an argument he shuts down and will not talk about it. How do you ensure he moves on from the situation leading to a healthy marriage.

Help him by reassuring him every time, all the time, sing it to him like a new song until he starts to believe it, lower your voice and let him know that he’s safe, until his ready to talk all you can do is use the power of positive words, affirmation and reassurance.

How do you deal with a cheating husband over and over again with different women and mostly doesn’t even use condoms, he is also an alcoholic and he demeans someone when drunk and is really arrogant, he has no time for the  wife and the kids too, but provides very well. What defines a marriage? Kindly advise 

When dealing with a serial womanizer, one needs to turn the tables, stop trying to deal with his behavior and start dealing with you as a person, I have noticed that it’s impossible for you to be faithful to one woman, and because am your wife, I have a responsibility not just to you as my husband, but to myself, my health and well being and not to mention the children that are looking up to us, so long as you continue in this behavior, I will not be…See it’s now about you and your well being and that of your children, put boundaries in place that protect you.

Don’t address his behavior, address your behavior.

How do you cope or do when you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship. The guy is very good with you in public but behind closed doors he has enough side chics, tells  you you’re fat and shouts at you

An emotional abuser is a control seeker, the best thing to do is to take that control away from him. It’s going to get worse before it gets better, put boundaries in place for example

If he comments on your clothes and says you look ugly, say;

‘Thank you, you look very handsome yourself’, or ‘and the way I was feeling particularly beautiful in this dress’ and turn round like a baby girl would do in a dress she likes and walk away, don’t give him an opportunity to respond.

How do you handle a partner who keeps on comparing you to his/your  own mother? Like if make a mistake unknowingly he’s like, ‘if this was your mum could she do this?’ In this case when you try to talk about anything he’s not doing right he can never see sense in what you say all the time?

But you are not your mother, some times fire is fought by fire, try this kind of response; 

“I appreciate that you see the value in my mother, I’m only her daughter but am not her, expecting me to do things the way she would do them it’s not only unfair to me as your wife but it’s also unrealistic.”

Abuse is not only physical but also emotional and psychological. Any kind of abuse leaves the abused in a state of confusion, depression, doubts and many other effects due to trauma. If you are going through abuse or you know a person going through abuse, the Gender-Based Violence-free hotline is 1195. Furthermore, if you would like to join a community of women healing from abuse, WhatsApp +254736275978.

People Who Read This Also Read:

Sexual Health and Consent: Sex Toys, Libido and Alcoholism

Healthy Relationships: Handling Emotional Abuse

Register for our weekly newsletter and follow us for more information and resources on Gender-Based Violence on MumsVillage Facebook page!