Conflict in Relationships: Absenteeism and Lack of Communication

A week ago, we had a counseling psychologist speak to our Villagers about conflicts in relationships. The psychologist,  Sharon Wakaba answered some of the questions, offered expert advice on various topics and got to shed light on some of the issues that were raised in the WhatsApp chat. We are going to share the pieces of advice in a series of articles. In this article, we share answers to the questions on absenteeism and lack of communication.

What is good communication in a relationship?

It is when the two parties involved are able to objectively discuss matters and come to a shared understanding of most things. There is peace and honesty between the couple.

How do you effectively communicate in a relationship to avoid conflict, especially about a thorny issue that can affect your marriage

Openness. Even when something can lead to conflict, talk about it, understanding what each of you expects. This will help iron out things that could later be a huge issue. Relationships should be give and take, with a lot of listening.

How can one deal with a husband who is secretive and does not believe honesty is the best policy in a relationship especially he believes in keeping secrets from his wife even about finances?

When a person holds on to a belief system, it is very hard to change them from it, but not impossible. He might believe that because that is how he was taught to handle a lady. Was he always secretive even before the marriage? You can help him see differently by knowing how to approach him when it comes to the benefits of working together as a married couple, and probably when he sees how well involving you helps the family in the long run, he may be more receptive to being honest. But it requires knowing how to approach him, and knowing it may take time for him to see things differently.

How do you deal with a husband who when in an argument he will only discuss what he wants and in the end is his way or the highway?

His communication style is aggressive, which means he sees his way as best and does not understand how another way could work. This is a huge barrier to effective communication. Help him understand that though he is the head of the house, and you respect that, the way he communicates about matters generally drains your marriage instead of building it. Help him wean off being aggressive slowly, till he can naturally be an assertive communicator, meaning he considers your views as much as your own.

Kindly address silent treatment in long distance relationships. I have been suffering from it which over time has made me angry due to lack of knowing how to handle the situation over a prolonged period of time. So I tend to lash out in conversations with him but am trying to move on from the toxic situation. Letting go has been hard. I don’t have a busy job so keeping myself occupied from thinking about it is hard. I sometimes feel mentally helpless.

It is clear you are exhausted, and it is understandable. What has been causing the silent treatment? Does he know he is hurting you? Evaluate your relationship, and get to know what is happening with him. If it does not get better no matter what you do, and you are not married, you are free to leave and build yourself. If you are married, talk with people who hold both of you accountable, and forge a way forward.

How do you deal with a partner whom when you request for an audience so that you can solve your differences, he postpones every time?

Have you talked on why he prefers to do that instead of talking with you? Was he always like that? That could be a sign of things are one-sided, meaning you are the only one interested with the relationship, or it could be a way he is used to communicating and he doesn’t think it is a big deal. Let him know what you feel, and then from his response and behavior, you will be able to know which one it is.

How do you deal with a partner who deletes texts & call logs of a specific person & you have approached him of the matter with no change?

Honesty is important in a relationship. Why does he feel the need to delete messages from you? Ask him what could be the problem. Understand why he does that. If it is something you can solve, work together. If he keeps being dishonest about it, bring it up again, and then see the best course of action. See if your concern is important to him.

Marriage and relationships require commitment, communication, and consistency. If you are having problems that can be solved, it’s advisable to seek the services of a great family psychologist or marriage therapist. If you are going through abuse or you know a person going through abuse, the Gender-Based Violence-free hotline is 1195. Furthermore, if you would like to join a community of women healing from abuse, WhatsApp +254736275978.

You may also like: How to Find the Balance between Motherhood and Marriage

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