I was watching Kendi eat yesterday and something I had read a long time ago struck home.
The author was talking about losing weight through a diet they called ‘The Two Year Old Diet’. It was so funny; aspects of it have remained with me through the years.
So I have decided to follow suit and develop a diet that, if done correctly, will ensure the dieter lose 5 kilograms in one week.
Disclaimer: I am not a health care professional. So, this diet might be harmful to your health, resulting in symptoms such as dizziness, extreme hunger, hallucination, irritability and a dry mouth. If while doing this diet, you experience any of these things, stop immediately and consult a real health care professional. (It will all be worth it when you’re thin though)
For maximum results, you will need the following ingredients:
- Your mother
- Your father
- A nanny
- Socks
- A high chair
- A sippy cup with water or diluted fresh juice
- Well prepared healthy food and fruit
Monday
- Breakfast- Half a ruck of Wheetabix.
- Mid morning snack- Half a banana flavored with some shouting and pushing the banana away from your mouth.
- Lunch- 8 and 1/2 spoonfuls of rice and stew. Push the rice into your mouth using your fingers. Spit quite a bit of the food out periodically.
- Mid afternoon snack- Pull off your socks and suck them. Drink some breast milk. Bite your mother
- Dinner- 6 potato wedges. Throw one at your father.
Tuesday
- Breakfast- Serve the same breakfast as Monday, don’t eat one bite. Instead, fight with your nanny and finally settle on breast milk.
- Mid morning snack- Find the potato wedge you threw at your father last night, suck on that while no one is watching. Hand it to your mother when she catches you behind the couch.
- Lunch- A full serving of matoke stew.
- Mid afternoon snack- wash and peel a small mango and serve on a plate. Smear it on your face and hair. Lick your fingers.
- Dinner- Ugali and chicken sauce. Yell ‘nanananana’ between bites.
Wednesday
- Breakfast- Matoke stew and juice in a sippy cup. Eat some of the stew and slosh the juice around while taking intermittent sips. (Not too many sips- you’re trying to loose weight here)
- Mid morning snack- Yoghurt. Spill half of it onto the high chair and spread it around with your hands.
- Lunch- Serve ugali and chicken sauce from last night. Mash the ugali between your fingers and throw the plate onto the ground sloshing stew on your mother’s skirt.
- Mid afternoon snack- Quarter a pancake. Keep rubbing the pancake on the floor and your mother’s knee to get different flavors going. Pull off socks to suck. Give up when your mother catches you.
- Dinner- Mashed potato and spinach. Eat it all, but keep pushing it out of your mouth onto your fathers hand.
Thursday
- Breakfast- Keep pulling off your socks and eating them while eating a few spoonfuls of Wheetabix.
- Mid morning snack- Half a rice cake. Crumble the other half onto the carpet.
- Lunch- Look franctically for the crumbs of rice cake on the carpet. Settle for a few bites of mashed potato and spinach from last night.
- Mid afternoon snack- Make some porridge. Add breast milk from the fridge. Suck on the spoon. Pour the porridge down the sink.
- Dinner- Cry for about 5 minutes. Drink some breast milk. Lick your father.
Friday
- Breakfast- A full ruck of Wheetabix.
- Mid morning snack- half a banana served to you little by little by your nanny. Try to bite her fingers each time.
- Lunch- Noodles. Spend a lot of time sucking the noodles into your mouth and pushing them in with your fingers.
- Mid afternoon snack- Juice in a sippy cup. Drink a few sips, spill some onto the table, some onto your face, and some onto the carpet.
- Dinner- Ugali and beef sauce. For dessert, lick your father again.
This diet will surely work, I promise.
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